I was not seeking it out. But somehow the Internal Family Systems model found me twice this week.
Internal Family Systems Model for Productivity and Self Awareness
I am no stranger to therapy and mindfulness and listening to your own feelings. But what if you gave those emotions a persona and developed it into its own full character?
On the level of getting to know yourself, it’s about identifying all the different sides of you, accepting them, and understand who is in charge at a given moment and who all are in conflict.
It’s helpful to know when I hold myself back from doing something, there is the Cautious/Fearful me who is trying to prevent me from getting hurt, while the Confident and Ambitious me gets throttled, which doesn’t feel great either.
If nothing else, it’s fun just to think about all the parts of you, give them a name and motto (Confident me says “it’ll be great!”), and make a little doodle of each.
Internal Family Systems Model for Making Big Decisions
I then learned that the Internal Family Systems model can be applied on a more micro level, to something you can’t make up your mind about. For me this is currently whether or not to have kids, and whether or not to leave my comfortable corporate job.
Internal Family Systems Model for the Kid of Childfree Decision
I wish I was someone who just knew that they wanted to be a mom. Unfortunately, my maternal instinct is very much at peace in its hibernation. I always assumed I would kids, because that’s what proper societal humans did, but as I got older, I started to realize that kids may not happen for me.
And I say happen, in that I expected that I would meet someone who also want to have kids, we would build a strong relationship, and then we would decide to have kids.
As life would have it, while I’m great at getting into relationships, none have gotten near the point of me wanting kids with my partner.
And so, to avoid disappointment, and because I don’t really want my whole life to revolve around trying to find a father material partner and quickly getting pregnant, I started to entertain the life option of not having kids.
Being childless was not something I had even considered an option. But once I started thinking about it, it made a lot of sense. Most of all, it removed a lot of pressure from me. I no longer have a ticking count down to when all my eggs would be sad and dry. I can date without the pressure of finding my baby daddy. Anyway, I quite enjoy my life without kids, and I can totally imagine being happy and fulfilled into old age, with a partner who also doesn’t want kids.
Of course, once I finally “made a decision” and started settling into the idea of a childfree life, I come across someone that I do see father potential in.
This, annoyingly, made me question my decision, and with the help of Internal Family Systems model, started recognizing all the players on the stage of my kids or childfree decision. Center stage is the worried one, who reminds me it’s a decision I can’t reverse, so better choose correctly. In front of it is the calm and zen me, who knows that regardless of the path I take, I’ll have a fulfilled life. Next to the worried one we have the chilled one, who says just enjoy my childfree life, and then the decisive one, who wants me to just decide and get it over with and not waste another ounce of my energy on this.
Then in the very back of the stage is the curious one. She’s very small, and quiet, and not asking for attention. She says it’s going to be a fun and interesting experience. Why did it take her so long to make a peep?
After seeing this constellation, I realize I need to ask the worried one to get off stage, and work on bringing out the curious one and listening to what she has to say.
Ultimately I see having kids as something that’s slightly outside of my control, so I still don’t want to get too attached to the idea. But I’m more open to the possibilities, if life plays out that way.
For now, I’ve decided to start exploring freezing my eggs to give myself more option in a few years. Now I wish I had done it when the idea first came to me two years ago (hello younger eggs), but, better late than never?
Disclaimer: This is obviously not a scientific/professional explanation of the Internal Family Systems model. If you’re interested in learning more, I suggest looking it up or asking ChatGPT for more resources.
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